2003: The Case for War

Ten Reasons We Should Invade Iraq Now

Ten Reasons We Should Invade Iraq Now

1)  Full-scale TV network war coverage will pre-empt the barrage of asinine reality shows currently airing.  Married by America?  I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?  Are You Hot?  Perhaps the network geniuses that bring us these programs will be moonlighting as human shields in Baghdad.

2)  To spite France.  The French are just bitter that an American, Lance Armstrong, can ride his bicycle around their country faster than anyone else.

3)  The Bush Administration has clearly made its case that Iraq is hiding weapons of mass destruction.  Not only that, but Saddam’s regime has been unequivocally linked to terrorism, high gas prices, and the flu bug that’s going around.

4)  The U.S. has the full support of Spain, Bulgaria, and one of those former Soviet republics that starts with a ‘K’.

5)  The networks have already invested heavily in official war graphics and theme songs.  Gulf War II (with drum beat); Target Iraq (with muted horns); and Baghdad Boogie (featuring The Clash’s ‘Rock the Casbah’).

6)  Hans Blix is tired and has expressed a desire to return to his “beautiful land of windmills, tulips, and wooden shoes.”

7)  We get to see network journalists wandering the desert in helmets and flak jackets wearing big white signs that says “PRESS”.  (Note: if you press your television screen when one of these appears, nothing happens.  Trust me.)

8)  CBS has invested $6 billion dollars in televising the NCAA basketball tournament.  They have requested a war that begins sometime after the March 16th Selection Show and finishes just before tip-off of Game 1 on March 20th.

9)  The build-up of forces in the anti-war movement.  “We’re looking at a March 17th launch date,” stated an anonymous spokesperson for ‘Not In Our Name’.  “The promise of green beer and those leprechaun hats should increase our turnout dramatically.”

10)  The U.S. government has come up with an excellent list of code names for military action in Iraq.  President Bush’s final choice?  Operation Just Because.