William F. Barkley

I am a vigorish character, at ease on both terra and firma. I breeched the levees of New Orleans. Using only an abacus and a length of garden hose, I once installed an internet connection to a remote village in sub-Saharan Africa. I have sung opera, hit a wiffle ball over the Green Monster, and fished. I live in a state the size of Rhode Island. I pay my credit card bills in cash.

I was expelled from an Al Qaeda training camp for insubordination. I won the Pulitzer prize, I am a card-carrying member of the NRA. I have read the Classic Comics version of Don Quixote, Robinson Crusoe, and Les Miserables. I have been known to break dance, break out in song, and break a sweat. I answer the 911 calls. I wrote DOS, designed a crooked line of women’s apparel, and chose the color for the Blue Man Group.

I heat my home with the Olympic torch. I prepared dinner for Rachael Ray in twenty minutes. I discovered the answer to global warming but have since forgotten it. I wear the World Cup. I have extinguished a forest fire using only an umbrella and a straw. I am known worldwide for my snoring.

I train Navy SEALS and puppies. I have been arrested for breaking the law of gravity. I have delivered a baby in a taxi and a pizza in a Chevette. I do not recognize Wednesdays. After work, I like to unwind with some sharp knives and a bottle of scotch. I taught Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson the moonwalk. I was the fifth Beatle.

I seduce women with my knowledge of geography, I can throw a knuckleball, I ride my unicycle in the HOV lane. I hold an engineering degree, an MBA, and a GED. I have never been called obtuse. I shot JR. I have surfed the Bonzai Pipeline, skiied the Hahnenkamm, and eaten the special at Denny’s. I have run with the bulls of Pamplona and the Bulls of Chicago. Michael Jordan asked me for an autograph.

I sleep every other night. I am a member of the E Street Band. I trim hedge funds. I have sold the book rights to my autobiography. I enjoy reverse bungee jumping. I am wanted in several South American countries. I built a meth lab in my high school chemistry class. I am a master of mixed martial farts.

I play the mandolin, was drafted by the Celtics, and have turned down several reality TV shows. Both men and women find me attractive. I sometimes bet both the over and the under. I often double down. I run a 4:00 mile. I once counseled the Dali Lama. I have simultaneously worn plaid and stripes. I once drove a golf ball over a moving train.

I get it.


William F. Barkley
Parodian Media Group, LLC