Divided America Unites in Hatred of Patriots

With the nation bitterly divided along political, social and economic lines, a polarized populace yearns for a unifying theme.  A ray of hope on a bleak, wall-bordered landscape.  A haven for conservatives and liberals, black and white, rich and poor.  This week, America comes together again, united in an absolute hatred for the New England Patriots.

According to the Pew Research Bureau, 96.4% of Americans express an extreme loathing for not only the Patriot football team, but Coach Bill Belichick and Quarterback Tom Brady as well.  “We’ve never seen anything like it,” commented statistician Peter Helmer. “In forty-four and a half states across the country, it’s nearly unanimous.” Survey responses given for the New England abhorrence included SpyGate, DeflateGate, Gisele Bundchen, Harvard, Massholes, Elizabeth Warren, Walden Pond, drivers, Fenway Park, 1970s busing, The Mayflower, Cheers, “pahk the cah,” the MBTA, Ben Affleck, Larry Bird, Dropkick Murphys, Samuel Adams beer, and the Revolutionary War.

“These people don’t know what the f— they’re talking about.  Bill and Tommy are the greatest of all time,” replied Sean O’Sullivan, 32, of South Boston.  “Go Pats!”

A small pocket of support outside the five-and-a-half state New England area was identified within the District of Columbia where the Patriots cause was reportedly favored by eighteen Congressmen, eleven Senators, and one President.