In a hastily-called news conference, President Donald Trump today threatened to “act Presidential” if the media continued to cover him with such “hatred.”
“I don’t want to do it, but I will. If I have to I will, and I will do it in a way that’s very Presidential. Very Presidential. Unlike any President you’ve ever seen. If my 306 electoral votes in the election have shown me anything, and that in itself is impressive enough, right? The American people, and they’re great people they really are, the American people want change. Do you know what change is? Doing things differently. Much, much differently. That’s why I got those 306 votes. Most ever. And jobs. Lots and lots of jobs. Jobs that won’t be taken away by the illegals flooding our borders. Do you know what illegal means? Not legal. If they’re not legal, they’re illegal. And unsafe. These people need to be vetted. Vetted like you’ve never seen. Vetted in a way that will be respectful to our vets but, at the same time, safe. And secure. Secure like Israel. I met with the prime minister the other day. Bibi. Great man. Great, great man. Not as great as Putin, but great. I’m kidding. I know you fake news people think I like Russia. I don’t have any business dealings in Russia. I’ve never borrowed any money from Russia. And they’ve never borrowed any money from me. But they have that spy boat off the coast. Have you seen that boat? My boat is bigger. I’m kidding, but it really is. I don’t know Putin. Has anyone seen Kelly Anne…?”
As he peered out into the now-empty press room, President Trump placed his stovepipe hat atop his powdered wig, adjusted his cravat and waistcoat, and walked to his awaiting horse-drawn carriage.
“Well done, Mr. President,” whispered Steve Bannon. “Very Presidential.”