Trump Offers Immigrants Three-Fifths Compromise

President Inspired by First Reading of Constitution

President Trump issued a new Executive Order on immigration today, offering a three-fifths compromise to foreign nationals residing in the United States.  Under the order, all foreign nationals and immigrants will be counted as three-fifths of a person for the purposes of taxation, representation, and government benefits.  “As I look back upon the framers of our Constitution, they were really on to something,” Trump commented.  “All men are created equal, sure, but some have to be more equal than others as we all know.”

“Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including foreign nationals and refugees, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.”

Citing his skill in negotiating the deal, President Trump said, “Some wanted me at two-fifths or even one-fifth, but I held firm.  If a person can’t come to this country and be at least 60% of a person, why come?  Am I right?”

The order takes effect immediately and will impact approximately 22 million non-citizen, foreign-born residents.  The Federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour will be reduced to $4.35 for those under the plan.  Average welfare benefits for an immigrant family of four will be reduced from about $1,000 per month to $600.  On the upside, White House Spokesman Sean Spicer noted, the three-fifths compromise “will result in lower prices on movie tickets, sporting events, and pay-per-view movies,” for those residing here both legally and illegally.

The naturalization process for becoming a United States citizen will remain the same under the new directive.  Upon completion, newly naturalized citizens will be upgraded to “full-person status” and be presented a replica of the top two-fifths of the Statue of Liberty.