Mass-shooting rookie James Hodgkinson disappointed crazed, left-wing zealots across the country, hitting just 5 for 50 in his radically violent debut. The portly 66-year-old from Belleville, IL seemed tentative in his first at-bats on the national stage, spraying bullets around the infield “like a little leaguer with an AK-47”. “He probably should have spent more time shooting up the minor leagues, or perhaps some state legislators, before making his major league debut in Washington, D.C.,” commented Republican fan Preston Wells. “He just wasn’t ready to perform at the next level.”
After working his way up the ranks from Bernie Sanders campaign volunteer to anti-Trump protester to, most recently, van-inhabiting psychopath, Hodgkinson showed brief glimpses of the skills necessary to join the ranks of Omar Mateen, Seung-Hui Cho and Charles Whitman. “He certainly had the weapons to perform at that level,” commented fellow Sanders volunteer Andy Weathers. “And prepared? That guy came ready to do battle every day.”
Critics cited the Republican team’s lack of defense as a contributing factor to Hodgkinson’s over-confidence. “He was always an offensive competitor,” added Weathers. “And I just don’t think he anticipated the fire power of the Capitol Police officers.”
“But, he left it all out on the field.”
James Hodgkinson was unavailable for comment.