Report: 100% of Americans Will Eventually Die Under Republican Healthcare Plan

Washington, DC (TDP) – A recently published report from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) has concluded that every one of the 321.4 million residents of the United States will die if the American Healthcare Act (AHCA) is passed in its current form. “We can’t say when or how,” concludes the CBO report, “But the life of every man, woman and child in this country will someday come to an end.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was quick to highlight the report’s findings in an effort to derail the Republican plan.  “Except for Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher and Prince, I can’t think of any other Americans who have died since the launch of Obamacare in 2010,” Pelosi said. “Democrats have to fight for our lives and the lives of all the people in the United States to defeat this atrocity.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell disputed the report’s findings and promised to repeal and replace Obamacare “if it kills me.”  “We are undeterred,” McConnell declared. “After this, we will move on from death to taxes.”