Researchers Discover Link Between Alcoholism and Paint-Can-Opening Tool

Durham, NC (TDP) – After years of research, Duke University scientists have discovered a link between the high rate of alcoholism found among commercial painting contractors and the use of bottle openers included with paint can tools.  In a study published in the Journal of Substance Abuse & Alcoholism, researchers reported a rate of alcoholism 4.7 times higher among contractors with access to the combination bottle-opener-paint-can-tool than those using a simple screwdriver.  “We originally believed that the bottle opener was used primarily for a cold, after-work beverage,” observed researcher Kenneth Drake.  “But we found that contractors were utilizing the bottle opener during work hours at a rate ten times higher than its use in opening actual paint cans.”

Duke researchers identified clusters of unreliable, alcoholic painting contractors to perform control testing. In a single-center, randomized, double-blind, three-way crossover study, contractors purchasing paint through the Yeehaw Junction Home Depot were presented either a combination Warner 10000 Paint Can and Bottle Opener or a small, flathead screwdriver.  Follow-up data revealed users of the screwdriver recorded significantly lower rates of absenteeism, marked increases in punctuality and nearly 100% on-time project completion.

“We believe this discovery will have an enormous impact on the efficiency of the entire U.S. construction industry,” the Duke study concluded.

Benjamin Moore, Sherwin Williams and Samuel Adams were unavailable for comment.