United States Grants Independence to Puerto Rico

U.S. Follows Lead of British Empire

San Juan, Puerto Rico (TDP) – Praising our neighbors “somewhere out there in the Atlantic Ocean,” President Trump today signed an Executive Order granting full and immediate independence to Puerto Rico.  Home to 3.5 million former U.S. citizens, the small island nation boasts over 300 miles of beautiful beaches, $73 billion dollars in debt and plans to provide fresh water and electricity to all its residents within the next six months.

President Trump cited his benevolence in freeing the Puerto Rico from 120 years of oppression and insisted the decision had nothing to do with the devastation and humanitarian crisis caused by Hurricane Maria or the fact that Spanish is the primary language for 95% of the island residents.  “I love the Puerto Ricans,” Trump stated.  “Frankly, I thought they were a country already.  Don’t they send a team to the Olympics?”

In a follow-up announcement, the Trump administration immediately added Puerto Rico to the list of countries subject to its U.S. travel ban.  “Making America safe is my number one priority.  We will not admit those into our country we cannot safely vet,” President Trump tweeted just moments after his arrival at Mar-a-Lago.  “I will not rest until we are safe from these rogue nations.”